My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She bit a glass in half.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
