Tell her she can't have a vagina
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
