She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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