tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
