I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
