Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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