Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
