just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
