Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
