You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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