Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
