How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
