i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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