atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
