Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
