Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
