pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
