i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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