I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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