someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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