what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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