Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
