Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
