Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
