Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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