At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I can't put those talents on a resume
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
