i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
