Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
