She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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