God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Randomize
