my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
