A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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