i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
