NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
