I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
