Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
