I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
