I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
