I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
you had me at cake vodka
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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