i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
