I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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