his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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