I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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