Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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