a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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