I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
