I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
