dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
