Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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