I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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