just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
